Not as pissed anymore. Might be because the holiday is over with, a day supposed to be about family, which I guess I'm without.
Didn't get any gifts or anything, aside from no psychotic fucking encounters, which is pretty good I guess. The piece of shit problem is going to be when I run out of meds since I'm doubling up on them indiscriminately.
Just don't fucking care, as long as that shit stays gone. Dreams are bad enough as they are.
I was so pissed, I don't even know why. God I felt like dumping kerosene all over the damn place and just watching it all motherfucking burn. Fucking scares me.
So anyway, I guess I'm sort of writing this now for the people reading, in addition to myself. I guess the question I have is what the fuck do I do now? Has anyone else had months stolen from them as well? Anyone else feel like this isn't their skin they wear?
Fuck this shit, going back to my games. Shit's creeping me the fuck out.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Sunday, December 25, 2011
X-mas, whatever
Nothing to report really, at least in terms of the new type of bullshit. I guess Christmas doesn't really matter to me much anymore. I did get a call from the 'parents', to which I tried to be, I guess, cordial. Still don't know what to make of them, of any of them, but I guess its nice to at least have company.
I am going to have to find a job of some sort. My bank account's starting to dwindle, though I am certainly glad I have a few thou in the bank, which surprised the shit out of me. Spent the entire day, slouched on the couch wearin a Sonic tee and army pants. Felt good, felt like this was my lounging wear.
Seriously, am I supposed to be alone in this? Some fucker loses his memories, his whole fucking mind and people let him be? What kind of crap is this? Shouldn't there be doctors and psychs and shit all constantly watching me, checking in, maybe some sort of rehab group.
Oh right, there was, till that Faceless
that thing showed, and then suddenly I'm bad news. You guys make me sick. All of you, sometimes.
God is it so wrong to just want some fucking peace?
Its fucking Christmas for godssake.
I am going to have to find a job of some sort. My bank account's starting to dwindle, though I am certainly glad I have a few thou in the bank, which surprised the shit out of me. Spent the entire day, slouched on the couch wearin a Sonic tee and army pants. Felt good, felt like this was my lounging wear.
Seriously, am I supposed to be alone in this? Some fucker loses his memories, his whole fucking mind and people let him be? What kind of crap is this? Shouldn't there be doctors and psychs and shit all constantly watching me, checking in, maybe some sort of rehab group.
Oh right, there was, till that Faceless
that thing showed, and then suddenly I'm bad news. You guys make me sick. All of you, sometimes.
God is it so wrong to just want some fucking peace?
Its fucking Christmas for godssake.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Fury without a purpose
So pissed off today, can't explain why. Been sitting here, fuming, just like waiting for some shit to go wrong. Haven't seen the Faceless since I came home, but if it shows, shit's going down. I just don't give a damn what'd happen.
People been talking to me too, on here. I don't know what to make of it. I've been trying to read more about this thing, what happens to people. Its weird, startling even. I can't get why this doesn't get national headlines, why the world doesn't talk about this thing.
Some people say that if you know about it, then it comes for you. I'm not so sure about that, I had no fucking clue what the hell it was, so it makes me wonder, Did I know back then, those months ago? Is that why things happened?
Did that fucking thing steal my life, my mind!
Is that why I was in a goddamn coma
So fucking pissed I can't even
People been talking to me too, on here. I don't know what to make of it. I've been trying to read more about this thing, what happens to people. Its weird, startling even. I can't get why this doesn't get national headlines, why the world doesn't talk about this thing.
Some people say that if you know about it, then it comes for you. I'm not so sure about that, I had no fucking clue what the hell it was, so it makes me wonder, Did I know back then, those months ago? Is that why things happened?
Did that fucking thing steal my life, my mind!
Is that why I was in a goddamn coma
So fucking pissed I can't even
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Homeward Bound
Got shipped out days ago. Clothes on my back, and not much else. So I caved in, and asked for a ride back to 'my' apartment. Took some doing, but she acquiesced, and reluctantly picked me up.
I was strangely relieved to see her again. Despite my nagging concern that she's not part of my life, my real life, it's still a comfort to at least have someone feign sympathy, if disgruntled. The ride itself was quiet for the most part. She upset and frustrated with my 'paranoid delusions', me not wanting to piss her off, and on the look out for the Faceless thing, even as I doubled up on whatever anti-freakout medicine I was given from the pharmacy.
Finally, I decided I had to ask her again. In a tired, plaintive tone I asked her why I was in the hospital in the first place. I told her I deserved to know what happened to me, and that it might help explain why I have these weird thoughts and feelings.
Surprisingly as we got to my place, she resigned herself. Told me I was acting strange, that it was some sort of disassociative disorder, I guess layman's term would be another personality? Then something happened to me, I just keeled over, and that's all she wrote. Said something about not wanting to bring it up again, in hopes whatever trauma caused this attitude might submerge itself.
I thanked her, and murmured an apology to her for how I've been. She nodded grimly, leaving me to my home. I had a lot to think about the next few days.
So I decided to document this revelation, as before in this journal, in case some other shit happens to me, and what the fuck do I see?
People are watching my account! I see followers, this Chase person in particular. Snooping around, i see this person has like hundreds of blogs followed. That's when I started reading, and I found out, that in one manner, I. am. not. alone.
This...this Slender Man as they call him...what is it? and just as important, what does it want with me?
I was strangely relieved to see her again. Despite my nagging concern that she's not part of my life, my real life, it's still a comfort to at least have someone feign sympathy, if disgruntled. The ride itself was quiet for the most part. She upset and frustrated with my 'paranoid delusions', me not wanting to piss her off, and on the look out for the Faceless thing, even as I doubled up on whatever anti-freakout medicine I was given from the pharmacy.
Finally, I decided I had to ask her again. In a tired, plaintive tone I asked her why I was in the hospital in the first place. I told her I deserved to know what happened to me, and that it might help explain why I have these weird thoughts and feelings.
Surprisingly as we got to my place, she resigned herself. Told me I was acting strange, that it was some sort of disassociative disorder, I guess layman's term would be another personality? Then something happened to me, I just keeled over, and that's all she wrote. Said something about not wanting to bring it up again, in hopes whatever trauma caused this attitude might submerge itself.
I thanked her, and murmured an apology to her for how I've been. She nodded grimly, leaving me to my home. I had a lot to think about the next few days.
So I decided to document this revelation, as before in this journal, in case some other shit happens to me, and what the fuck do I see?
People are watching my account! I see followers, this Chase person in particular. Snooping around, i see this person has like hundreds of blogs followed. That's when I started reading, and I found out, that in one manner, I. am. not. alone.
This...this Slender Man as they call him...what is it? and just as important, what does it want with me?
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Deaf
Been a week since I was moved from my bed, no warning, no reason. I've been threatened with being tied down if I can't stay put. They hate me enough as it is, they fear that thing that follows me
they don't listen. I don't know what I can do. I'm stuck here, and it still shows, it just
I keep seeing a mouth of razorblades in my dreams, haunting laughter. Begged the psychiatrist to either put me away or double my doses.
He doesn't listen
Something happened last night, everyone's been very quiet, more paranoid than before.
All I had heard was something about the police, and a tree outside.
That's all I learned, before this morning at least, when I was told I had to leave. Apparently my insurance won't cover anymore treatment.
What can I do? No one listens
they don't listen. I don't know what I can do. I'm stuck here, and it still shows, it just
I keep seeing a mouth of razorblades in my dreams, haunting laughter. Begged the psychiatrist to either put me away or double my doses.
He doesn't listen
Something happened last night, everyone's been very quiet, more paranoid than before.
All I had heard was something about the police, and a tree outside.
That's all I learned, before this morning at least, when I was told I had to leave. Apparently my insurance won't cover anymore treatment.
What can I do? No one listens
Saturday, December 3, 2011
a resonance
i used a mirror, I asked one of the clueless day nurses for it, said I had visitors coming, wanted to look nice. Had to tolerate a sponge bath and a shampoo in a cap because of it.
Night came, and everyone shunned me, the last nurse entered my room at dusk, giving me anti-freakout drugs, but they wore off, allowing me to move.
I spent the time watching banal television, with no issues. It was only after I finally fell asleep that I suddenly awoke in a panic. That looming sense of dread crept in, the television fizzed out, and I knew it was here.
I didn't want to see it, I didn't want to
It was tall
hard to see but I could see its face
no face, just just white
this morning I woke up on the floor in room 2023.
my room is 2017
no one remembers seeing me move
I've asked the chaplin to exorcise the room, to exorcise me, he laughs
the psychiatrist keeps wanting to 'explore' this dread, like its not tangible
no one can help me
and its going to kill me
god
why
Night came, and everyone shunned me, the last nurse entered my room at dusk, giving me anti-freakout drugs, but they wore off, allowing me to move.
I spent the time watching banal television, with no issues. It was only after I finally fell asleep that I suddenly awoke in a panic. That looming sense of dread crept in, the television fizzed out, and I knew it was here.
I didn't want to see it, I didn't want to
It was tall
hard to see but I could see its face
no face, just just white
this morning I woke up on the floor in room 2023.
my room is 2017
no one remembers seeing me move
I've asked the chaplin to exorcise the room, to exorcise me, he laughs
the psychiatrist keeps wanting to 'explore' this dread, like its not tangible
no one can help me
and its going to kill me
god
why
Friday, December 2, 2011
i i
I saw it
I
I saw it
no face it just
its
going
to kill me
its going to kill me
I can't
I can't stop it
too weak
no face
I
I saw it
no face it just
its
going
to kill me
its going to kill me
I can't
I can't stop it
too weak
no face
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)