I feel like my life's just out of reach, but how do you grasp something you only see out of the corner of your eye?

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Comparisons, Heroes?

Stars don't twinkle, moon doesn't shine
stars don't twinkle, moon doesn't shine.

Fuck if it doesn't.  Somedays now I can't tell if its day or night.  I'm losing, I can tell now, and it scares the hell out of me.  I think I realized why I'm so afraid for Spencer.  I said before, he's been in worse than me, and managed to power through.  But now he's really REALLY close to melting down.  I can't really say much to him, I mean, what is there to say that isn't tripe bullshit?  "You can do it."  "Trust in us"   What is there to say?  I just don't know.

What I DO know is that if a guy like him fails, what chance is there for me?   I mean, I'm no hardass, I'm no tough guy, most action I ever had in my life is kicking a kid while he's down, and knocking trash cans on top of him.   Sorry bout that again, Sufjan

I need to know he'll be alright, I need to know he can survive, because when I look at him, I see what lies ahead for me.  If he can make it, maybe I can.  I mean shit, there's no heroes out here really.  Everyone fails, everyone falters.   There are no heroes.  That's why things turned so dark.  Who are the ones who rally to the cause, who really fight against evil, and do not succumb?  Dammit, Spencer, you HAVE to hold together.  What the fuck does it mean for me if you can't?  Can't you just give me hope that it'll be okay?  Do you have to be human, be fucking mortal and let that shit win, beat you? 

I need hope, I need to know I can be okay.   Dear god above or below, come out of this as a better person, or I'll never know how to fight back...

Monday, March 26, 2012

just when I thought I had it bad, someone reminds me that they're worse

Guess I should be thankful, but fuck if I know how to do that anymore.  Is this what I get to look forward to?  More misery?  I mean, this guy's toughed it out longer than me,   balls man, he's done a lot of hardcore shit and it takes this long for his world to fall apart.  Maybe he's tougher than me, heh,  probably

Maybe ordinary people don't always crack. Maybe there isn't any need to crawl under a rock with all the other slimy things when trouble hits, or give in the moment things turn to shit... maybe it was just me all the time.  Maybe that’s why I’m alone, adrift.  I couldn’t be bothered to take accountability, to fight for my own self.

maybe I just want to blame others because it makes me feel like I can't take control.  Maybe I am still here, still talking, because I haven't given up, despite what I've said and done.

I need to think.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

It was watching me, even through stone, through rock, through flesh.  Even out of sight, it was watching.

Tried to stand in traffic to just stop it all.  Couldn't do it.  nothing else to say.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Just another shipwreck

I  have been feeling like shit lately.  I took the bus out of Richmond, not even caring where I was going really, just grabbed the redline to get me moved to another city, so I was heading back north.

Can't get over what I did to Sufjan, that's the sort of crap I'm supposed to avoid, I mean it really is the same shit that happened with Kayleen.

Cept it wasn't now was it?  No, this shit I did on my own accord.  Sure, i was frustrated to all hell.  I was pissed about things and I got antagonized.
but who fuckin
Who fucking hops a bus to go interstate to whip some ass?

Holy shit I gotta get my mind right.  I mean, unless this is what happens naturally?  I just wanted all this to end, I can't TAKE THIS SHIT.  i can't take the weird thoughts, the feelings, going down a road only to see the Faceless creature and NONE see him.

God help me I am SORRY Sufjan, I am SORRY I did it.  I had no right

Things are so bad, and I just can't fucking get it to stop.

and then you go and forgive me?
who the fuck does that?

Someone, just make this thing end, make it go away already. 

its just THERE

waitning for WHAT FUCKER?
here I was just looking for an answer

I just said, 'what the fuck happened to me?" and look where it got me.
those guys who said 'Don't look into it' were totally right, its been nothing but suck and ass since.

Fucking murder,  murder, murderer, and all burned to shit.  COld as fuck, haven't eaten in two days  broke as shit now too

i'm going to sleep now,
and god help me i will never wake back up.

Friday, March 9, 2012


Fucker's still around.  Whatever.  It wasn't my intention to get him murdered.  Just saw an opportunity to maybe bribe the damn thing to leave me be.  I mean, he eats people right?  Why didn't he just eat Sufjan?

Sorta relieved I didn't actually get him killed, though.  But that means if he wasn't there for him, then well, that leaves only one choice for why he was there, right?

who the fuck do I have to throw under a bus to get away from him?

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Kool-Aid, motherfuckers!

Shit's lookin good today!  Let me tell you.

Okay, so I was all quiet for a few weeks, right, so you know there's bound to be a story behind it.  Well, sit your ass down and check this out.

In case you get all tl;dr  here's the short of it.

Kicked a bitch ass troll's ass, and he's probably dead now, so you know, good for that.

Some of you know this clown, Sufjan McBride, he's a pretentious twit runnin this blog called Integrity.  Well, he's committed himself some murder too, so here we are, murder buddies or some shit.  But he starts claiming moral superiority over me.  Starts saying MINE was worse than anything, because I wanted to smash in a skull with a fucking pot.

So let's go over this one last time before we move on.  Okay, Faceless...you know...horrific mindcrushing monster  tells ME to go kill someone, and I can't really do anything to stop it.  Its fucking horrifying, I mean I know you don't get that by reading it, but it is.  Have you ever actually watched yourself do something and was helpless to stop it?  IT'S FUCKING SURREAL AND HORRIFYING, BITCHES.   And this guy, this fucking guy Sufjan, he goes and shoves this Royal off a goddamn balcony for revenge, and says I'm the bad guy.

Fuck. You.

So I had enough of his shit.  Bitchass got all complacent, talking about himself too much.  Yeah, just like I was warning people about earlier!  Gee...he talks about a confederate tobacco grower.    Google it.  Richmond,  Richmond, Va.  Then he starts talking about where he is, because he sees some cryptic shit.  Now, that wasn't me, so we're clear, but...it does help me find him.

The best part is HE HAD A FUCKING PHOTO OF HIMSELF on the damn blog.

Portrait of a douchebag

ANYWAY, it takes me a few days, hunting down Starbucks, looking them over.  Played it cool on Google Maps, looking for warehouses near Starbucks.  There are a lot of fucking Starbucks in that town, so it takes some time, all with people giving me the big eye because I'm not exactly normal looking.

I scout his place for a while from across the road, in the alley, and I'm not fucking alone if you get my drift.  Faceless is out there on the sidewalk, he's just standing there, not even looking at me.  And it freaked me the hell out, damn it.  That's the reason why things have gotten so bad for me and him, but I just had no fucks to give about him right now, figured at the very least maybe he'd get whatever he wanted from us, and get the hell out of my life.

Right, alleyway.  Classic scoping spot from the movies, and yeah eventually I see him.  I went out into the street, doublechecking.  I mean I don't wanna jump the wrong guy or anything.  He just seems to be out doing shit, getting groceries for all I know.  So I get out of traffic, and yell out "Hey Sufjan!"   

He looks!

And in I go with a tackle.  How's that for Pokemon shit?  Caden uses Tackle.  IT FUCKED HIM UP.  or whatever.  I roll him right into the back alley of that Starbucks.  He curls up into a ball, doesn't even say a word as I just start wailing on him.  "Told you, TOLD you man, to stop with your shit, All I've got is time right now, and I might as well teach you a lesson."

I knocked over the trash cans, I went for the ribs, and it felt good.  Real good.  Felt good to be passionate about something, even if its something brutal.

It was weird.  I mean, here this thing is staring at us now, and I'm just furious.    I wasn't even mad about the things he said.

Shit.  I twas just
I just started thinking, of all the shit that's happened.
His fault, and I took it out on Sufjan.  Mr. Integrity.
I was in control,
This time, it was ME giving the pain.
I hurt him.
I hurt him and hurt him and hurt him, because then
it wasn't ME being hurt.  and I was so fucking glad for it.

I said some things, I don't even remember, i picked him up, and it was so blurry.  And that thing, that Faceless thing kept just being closer, didn't move, just was there.
and I couldn't think anymore,
I put my foot in his gut, gave him a shove towards the thing and ran like hell.

God help me, please let this be the end of him.  Please let him be done with me.