I feel like my life's just out of reach, but how do you grasp something you only see out of the corner of your eye?

Friday, January 27, 2012

Rescued, abandoned, whats the diff?

Doesn't matter what side I'm on, no one gives a shit.  Either that or I just don't know who to talk to right now.

How organized are the 'bad guys' anyway?  Looks like roles are pretty cut and dried.  Most of them seem to be well beyond whatever state I'm in, where they're taunting or leaving cryptic messages for the rest of you guys it stalks.

So is that how this works? Do I find relief in tormenting others now?   Admittedly, it is starting to have an appeal to me, if more for desperation than anything else.  I mean, I've had maybe 3 hours of sleep in the last few days.

I think.  It's really hard to keep track of time lately.   My stomach aches, and it gets cold as hell out here, running a step ahead of something that might as well be my boss.  My Master.   And yet it doesn't say anything, it doesn't clue me in on anything but screaming horror.

I don't know if its any worse than the apathy the world's gotten into these last thousand years or so,  sometimes I think I just won't be happy until there's either nothing left anywhere, or I'm dead.  Probably the latter.

People giving me just enough of a fuck to stare at me funny.  Guy in muddy red hoodie with mutherfuckin bandages is a strange sight, i give you that, but I'm not taking them off.  No sir.  I've already figured out why a lot of them wear masks.  Fuck, I mean, a lot of *us* wear masks.  Not for anonymity, well not really. 

It's because I can't fucking stand to look at myself.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012


so this isn't quite working out like I thought it would.   I was sort of hoping it'd leave me alone, maybe even clue me in on shit, what it wants done, but its nothing fucking like that.

For starters, I am not certain it even understands me.  Tried talking to it, last time it caught up with me.  Took every ounce of my being not to run like hell, but I was tired, so tired of everything, I told Faceless that I gave up, that I was ready to serve.

Thing just stared at me.

I found myself having a one sided conversation as it just stood there, just looking at me.

"Well come on, I said I give up, I'm ready for whatever, I don't fucking care anymore."

"Do it...Come on, whatever it is, whatever commands or bullshit that happens, just do it already, I can't take this."


I even knelt symbolically.

"Just...just give me orders, make it stop...please."

Nothing.  Even called it Master, which is a bitter pill to swallow.

"Come on, make me one of your guys!  Make me an agent, a proxy, whatever its called, Just do it so I can be done with this life."


I resorted to trying to coax this thing into action, to do something!  Here I am, covered in mud, having a conversation with a monster, and I start talking to him like he's a dog!

"You wanna proxy me?  huh? Come on, you been following me, so you're interested right?  Wanna just do it?  Do it?"

I started screaming at it, goading him to just do whatever mindfuck it is, and get it over with.  By the time I opened my eyes, it was gone again.

I am starting to think I made a very big mistake, but  I just
I just can't do this shit.


no fuck that,

Sunday, January 15, 2012

rescued from it all

was perusing some blogs, dunno if you guys heard of this Nick guy.  real big into magical bullshit.  I wouldn't believe in it myself, but something struck a chord just now.

He wrote this bit about talking to an enemy of his, some guy who possessed people, going from one to a next at a whim, and how they're all connected to him.

here's the link  http://recordsofanimpossibility.blogspot.com/2011/08/eternity-versus-immortality.html

Nick goes on later to talk about cutting this guy's network down to pieces.  I don't really understand it.  But...there's something there that really struck me.   The date.  late August.

This fellow, this Redlight, he goes and gets himself mangled to pieces involved in a chess match with something supernatural.  All due to a kid really...It's amazing

here's what I'm talking about  http://thee1eventhhour.blogspot.com/2011/08/free.html

and his words just kept repeating themselves to me

"Don't forget what I said, there's more than one blogger out there that I've gotten my hands on and taken,  'hollowed' or 'redlit' whatever you want to call it."

and it makes sense now,  the red hoodie, the pants,  christ, I've even got bandages like him now.

He's me  or at least was
I was one of the ones taken.  It has to be true.  The mood swings, the Runner paraphernalia, the clothes, and the monster.  I was one the ones 'freed', I can only speculate, but I'm guessing that's how I got that system shock, went into that coma.

None of that matters now, not anymore.  I can't do this, I am just not strong enough.  Even if I had an endless supply of meds, I can't fight this thing, I can't write anymore, i can't do this

so I will embrace him

I will be something I used to be, I can't do otherwise.
because nothing matters now

nothing ever mattered, its all meaningless
the only thing that mattered to me, is that I remember who I am now

and isn't that grand?  - r
I think i'm starting to understand what its been saying

it, him, whoever it is, whatever it is
I think this all happened for a reason

maybe even to help me, well not what happened to her, to Kayleen.

She asked me if I had eaten, i hadn't, not in a few days  so she decided to make something in the kitchen
then it showed up at my window, and it felt so kind so warm this time  i was touching the window before i knew it

and then it told me she had to die, so i struck her,  it wasn't hard not even enough to knock her down
i didn't want to do it

she screamed and i got a faceful of boiling water, i knocked her down
and i took the pot, burned my hands
and well

i just couldn't stop
so i'm all burned, got some wrap up bandages and shit before i ran like hell

it doesnt hurt, which is weird  i dont know why

i j ust dont care about shit anymore

Friday, January 13, 2012

I didntwan to tdo it

I didnt want to   god what do i do now
shit shit shitgod how couldyou how could you let this thing roam free

it coaxedme  it just i wanted its approval

how how the fuck does it do it

i was so scared   begged her to come over

and after she showed
i think i beat her to death with a pot

what the fuck do i donow
i think she really cared

it mademe do it


Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Kind of sucks

These last few days, pretty bad.  Between keeping my eyes peeled for a Faceless thing, working at a damn gas station to pay bills, and going over this apartment with a comb, looking for anything else to help cement in that missing time, now I've got to deal with the fact that my drugs ran out.  No chance for a refill this early, so I'm shit out of luck, not that I could afford them anyway since I have no insurance now...or ever?  I don't really know.  I sort of thought it'd be funny if I had a real nice job beforehand, something professional, and I don't know it.   I regret that this isn't the case, as I looked in my online records and found I worked at some security place for a while.

Been hearing weird things lately too.  Not sure if its external or internal, last night I felt the room drop twenty degrees in seconds, everything just seemed...off,  hard to explain.  Starting to think that its done fucking around and its almost time.  I don't know what to do.  As much as I'd like to be all hardass and say I'd fight him, the thing scares the shit out of me.  I could barely move the last time it appeared.

So whats worse?  Getting slaughtered by some alien creature, or the fact I'll never know what happened to me, and no one else gives a shit?

Wednesday, January 4, 2012


Aha!  Went through a bunch of my shit just today.  Oh the malaise of sifting through things that may or may not be mine.  Found myself something that has that stupid circle with an x through it that everyone seems to identify with. 

Now I've read a few blogs, doing my research as it were, and I get that this means somewhere in my past few months, you know, back when I can't remember.  I knew about the Faceless thing.  This makes me wonder, if I forgot, or rather if IT made me forget, is it worth remembering that missing time at all?  Shit's bowel clenchingly horrific as it is when I saw it before.  This dark, inhuman shape, just looming, just  just looming. 

Fuck I'm no wordsmith, it's hard to explain unless you've had that experience.  The fact that its there, defying existence, defying nature is bad enough, and yet it is so much worse, the sheer..aura I guess, made me hallucinate.  Knowing I could die at any moment.

Still no more signs of it, but I'm still left with so many questions!  So I knew about it before, how did I stumble across it?  Why am I ...well shit, mindwiped, for lack of a better term.  I guess I can put together that this thing, this Faceless thing fucked me up, put me in a coma even, but shit, what about that 'aggressive change' Kayleen talked about?

Shit, I'd be online on the ps3 or something right now if the damn thing wasn't updating for-EVAR.  I just wish I knew  where this rabbithole ends.