I feel like my life's just out of reach, but how do you grasp something you only see out of the corner of your eye?

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Therapy = Sega

Not as pissed anymore.  Might be because the holiday is over with, a day supposed to be about family, which I guess I'm without.

Didn't get any gifts or anything, aside from no psychotic fucking encounters, which is pretty good I guess.  The piece of shit problem is going to be when I run out of meds since I'm doubling up on them indiscriminately.

Just don't fucking care, as long as that shit stays gone.  Dreams are bad enough as they are.

I was so pissed, I don't even know why.  God I felt like dumping kerosene all over the damn place and just watching it all motherfucking burn.  Fucking scares me.

So anyway, I guess I'm sort of writing this now for the people reading, in addition to myself.  I guess the question I have is what the fuck do I do now?   Has anyone else had months stolen from them as well? Anyone else feel like this isn't their skin they wear?

Fuck this shit, going back to my games.  Shit's creeping me the fuck out.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

X-mas, whatever

Nothing to report really, at least in terms of the new type of bullshit.  I guess Christmas doesn't really matter to me much anymore.  I did get a call from the 'parents', to which I tried to be, I guess, cordial.  Still don't know what to make of them, of any of them, but I guess its nice to at least have company.

I am going to have to find a job of some sort.  My bank account's starting to dwindle, though I am certainly glad I have a few thou in the bank, which surprised the shit out of me.  Spent the entire day, slouched on the couch wearin a Sonic tee and army pants.  Felt good, felt like this was my lounging wear.

Seriously, am I supposed to be alone in this?  Some fucker loses his memories, his whole fucking mind and people let him be?  What kind of crap is this?  Shouldn't there be doctors and psychs and shit all constantly watching me, checking in, maybe some sort of rehab group.

Oh right, there was, till that Faceless
that thing showed, and then suddenly I'm bad news.   You guys make me sick.  All of you, sometimes.

God is it so wrong to just want some fucking peace?

Its fucking Christmas for godssake.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Fury without a purpose

So pissed off today, can't explain why.  Been sitting here, fuming, just like waiting for some shit to go wrong.  Haven't seen the Faceless since I came home, but if it shows, shit's going down.  I just don't give a damn what'd happen.

People been talking to me too, on here.  I don't know what to make of it.  I've been trying to read more about this thing, what happens to people.  Its weird, startling even.  I can't get why this doesn't get national headlines, why the world doesn't talk about this thing. 

Some people say that if you know about it, then it comes for you.  I'm not so sure about that, I had no fucking clue what the hell it was, so it makes me wonder, Did I know back then, those months ago?  Is that why things happened?

Did that fucking thing steal my life, my mind!
Is that why I was in a goddamn coma
So fucking pissed I can't even

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Homeward Bound

Got shipped out days ago.  Clothes on my back, and not much else.  So I caved in, and asked for a ride back to 'my' apartment.  Took some doing, but she acquiesced, and reluctantly picked me up.

I was strangely relieved to see her again.  Despite my nagging concern that she's not part of my life, my real life, it's still a comfort to at least have someone feign sympathy, if disgruntled.  The ride itself was quiet for the most part.  She upset and frustrated with my 'paranoid delusions', me not wanting to piss her off, and on the look out for the Faceless thing, even as I doubled up on whatever anti-freakout medicine I was given from the pharmacy.

Finally, I decided I had to ask her again.  In a tired, plaintive tone I asked her why I was in the hospital in the first place.  I told her I deserved to know what happened to me, and that it might help explain why I have these weird thoughts and feelings.

Surprisingly as we got to my place, she resigned herself.  Told me I was acting strange, that it was some sort of disassociative disorder,  I guess layman's term would be another personality?  Then something happened to me, I just keeled over, and that's all she wrote.  Said something about not wanting to bring it up again, in hopes whatever trauma caused this attitude might submerge itself.

I thanked her, and murmured an apology to her for how I've been.  She nodded grimly, leaving me to my home.  I had a lot to think about the next few days.

So I decided to document this revelation, as before in this journal, in case some other shit happens to me, and what the fuck do I see?

People are watching my account!  I see followers, this Chase person in particular.  Snooping around, i see this person has like hundreds of blogs followed.  That's when I started reading, and I found out, that in one manner, I. am. not. alone.

This...this Slender Man as they call him...what is it? and just as important, what does it want with me?

Sunday, December 11, 2011


Been a week since I was moved from my bed, no warning, no reason.  I've been threatened with being tied down if I can't stay put.  They hate me enough as it is, they fear that thing that follows me

they don't listen.  I don't know what I can do.  I'm stuck here, and it still shows, it just
I keep seeing a mouth of razorblades in my dreams, haunting laughter.  Begged the psychiatrist to either put me away or double my doses. 

He doesn't listen

Something happened last night, everyone's been very quiet, more paranoid than before.

All I had heard was something about the police, and a tree outside.

That's all I learned, before this morning at least, when I was told I had to leave.  Apparently my insurance won't cover anymore treatment.

What can I do?  No one listens

Saturday, December 3, 2011

a resonance

i used a mirror, I asked one of the clueless day nurses for it, said I had visitors coming, wanted to look nice.  Had to tolerate a sponge bath and a shampoo in a cap because of it.

Night came, and everyone shunned me,  the last nurse entered my room at dusk, giving me anti-freakout drugs, but they wore off, allowing me to move.

I spent the time watching banal television, with no issues.  It was only after I finally fell asleep that I suddenly awoke in a panic.  That looming sense of dread crept in, the television fizzed out, and I knew it was here.

I didn't want to see it, I didn't want to

It was tall
hard to see but I could see its face
no face, just just white

this morning I woke up on the floor in room 2023.
my room is 2017
no one remembers seeing me move

I've asked the chaplin to exorcise the room, to exorcise me,  he laughs
the psychiatrist keeps wanting to 'explore' this dread, like its not tangible

no one can help me
and its going to kill me



Friday, December 2, 2011

i i

I saw it


I saw it

no face it just


to kill me

its going to kill me

I can't
I can't stop it

too weak

no face

Monday, November 28, 2011

The dark corner

I'm feeling better today, so I had better put down my thoughts before something else happens.

It started about a week ago, maybe more, hard to tell for sure.  I got hauled back into the hospital after my incident at the apartment, though I STILL can't get anyone to tell me for sure what is wrong with me.  I did catch someone mentioning 'psychotic episode'  but why would I be in a normal hospital for that?  It does explain why a psychiatrist keeps visiting me, and asking me about my feelings and what I remember.

I'm getting sidetracked.

Anyway about a week ago, food service came in to deliver the mediocre breakfast for me, at way too damn early in the morning, the lights were kept low so I could stay half asleep.  She brought in the tray, I started to do the routine, give her my name and social, when she dropped the tray and cried out.  The lady stared behind me and then just bolted, leaving my oatmeal splattered on the floor.

not that I was going to eat it.  I panicked, hit the call nurse button and tried to roll over, which isn't that easy in a big hospital bed, and when you're doped up.  I could barely peer over my shoulder.  Didn't see a thing.

Nurses started appearing out of the woodwork, the food service woman was pointing towards me, off in the distance, probably crying.  Lights came on, and noone saw anything.

Then others started seeing something too.  I had a night nurse who'd come in, dope me up with what I can only imagine are anti-psychotic drugs and let me drool for the night.  She came in as normal, but froze when she got to me, again looking behind me, at the corner of the room.  Without a word, she backed out, and again my room was investigated.

I started feeling dread at times during the night, without those drugs to put me senseless.  It would just be upon me in a flash, and with my heart rate up frantically, I'd get someone in my room within moments. 

That's when I learned something interesting.  Some of the nurses didn't see anything, others refused to return to my room.  I got moved four times, with this strange paranormal happening following me from room to room.

The nurses who saw nothing became my regulars, Sometimes they would bitch to me why they'd have to come in to tend to me when there was a full night staff,  I have no answers for them, but I can't help but fear what is lurking behind me, no more than six feet away, something in the corner.

god what is it waiting for?  what does it want?

what the hell has happened to my life?

Monday, November 21, 2011


back in hospital.  horrible
been here for 20 days now, feel terrible, can't take this
so tired
nurses seem scared, hate entering my room, always staring at the corner

figured out why

place is haunted

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Missing Time

Will Ciella
What is wrong with you lately?  You've been such an asshole to Kayleen, me and my sister.  Grow the fuck up already.
· · · 3 months ago 

I found this just recently, in my Facebook history.  I've been scrambling ever since.  This is the first clue from the last few months that could help me.

Looks like those conspiracy agents, whomever they are, couldn't put a muzzle on Facebook!   I remember Will, he was a decent guy, I think.  Memories of him are pretty blurry, but the point is, I apparently interacted with him 3 months ago.  During this time that I was supposedly in a coma!  

Now I've already checked my own history in that same timeframe, and didn't find a thing.  No posts, no clues.  Backtracking through 'their' Facebook, I found a mysterious blank there as well, however I do find it weird that most of them have actually been on that site for 6 months or so. 

Why?  I mean, sure 'Kenneth' never really posted, but why would they go through this much of a sham for me?  Is it even possible to mis-date things to provide a false history?  Could this really be something so long in the making?

TOo many questions

Noot nearly enough answers

and maybe i'm fooling myself, am I so important that
No, I saw her, I saw her putting pills in my food.
There HAs to be something there, there has to be soemthing more

I've got to calm down, getting angry, making mistakes.  But t
the weird thing is, is
this Will,  I barely remember him

and hes dead now.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Shitty ass house of cards

fucking drama bullshit.

Three hour fight with the 'GF', over the weekend.   Caught her slipping something into my breakfast.  LYING ASS BITCH, just part of this BULLSHIT LIE that is pathetic  pathetic it's fucking pathetic!

Fucking drugging me,  with this medicine I didn't want to take, claimed it helped make me less paranoid

I'm not going to sit down and and just take this shit, something fucking went down and no one fucking cares
this bullshit's been exposed now, all nice and proper.  Got myself proof that she was in on it, and that means all you fuckers who've been smiling so fucking much and nodding, trying to tell me who the hell I am, telling me who SHE Is,   you're all fucking exposed.


I don't want to see you, I don't want to fucking know you,
god  I should just kick the shit out of that fucker who calls himself my 'father'.

The worst
is that I was starting to feel okay
that fucking drug

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Something lost

I have a grave feeling that I missed out on an opportunity today.  Something fell through my fingers, an etheral wisp that I shall never see again.  An enigma of some sort.

Its a feeling of greater importance, but also of perhaps a chance to meet another, or see a rare event. 

I have no idea what it was, but I missed it whatever it was.

I have no choice but to bid it fond passage then, to the moment, to the sensation.

So goodbye then, you Mystery, and may you float on forever.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Desires or Memories?

This week was a bit worse.   Doesn't help I still am out of work, and already have the clock ticking on my rent.  "Surprise you were in a coma, now here, be fiscally responsible!"   Shitty ass wake up call.

I should be capable of pulling my own weight, I should be able to have a place of my own.  I want to stand on my own feet, and flex them for the first time.  I want...to remember.

Why the fuck hasn't there been a worthwhile explanation to what happened to me?  Even worse, why the hell did I wake up against my back door today?  What the hell am I doing?

Shitty ass day!  Damn this is pissing me off.

Have people still trying to hover over me, offering me money, food.  I don't WANT your damn money.  I am a man goddammit.  I don't NEED YOUR CHARITY.  FUCK

And I'm NOT going to be taking this medicine shit either.  How the hell can you tell me to take this shit but when I ask you what happened to me, you throw up your hands?   FUCK YOU, DOCTOR HERR.

One thing I AM glad about is that my 'family' has backed off again, seeing as I'm a whirling ball of hate and curses.

You know what I did yesterday?  I fucking limped across the street to the playground, sat in a shitty ass swing too small for me, and fucking cried.

People are lying to me, and I don't know why.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

The difference of a week

Feel like the world's off my back for some reason.  Feel better.  maybe not great, but good.  Everything's started to feel realer than it was after I woke up.  I mean, I still have questions, but I'm starting to develop a groove.

I've rediscovered Philly cheesesteaks apparently, with honey mustard,  collectible card games, and cancelled cartoons.

It seems I am quite the manchild.

This depresses me, but I'm new at being me, so I get to change things up.  Really, it's a whole new life ahead of me.  The feeling is

something,  its something.  Can't really put it into words.

I've asked Kayleen if we lived together, and thankfully the answer was no.  I couldn't handle having someone near me full time right now.  She understands.  I just need to readjust to things.  Her, my 'pare....oh fuck it, my parents.  I'm starting to think they really are my flesh and blood.  Got pictures and shit too.  That handsome devil in there sure looks like me.

Got that line from Portal 2.  Played that a little.  Its sort of fun.  I don't really have any feeling at all towards puzzles, but I can appreciate it at least, and the voice acting was amazing.  So, good game.

I didn't have much of a job, so that's going to be an issue.  Apparently working part time in a bakery warehouse does not count for FLMA.  So fuck you Sunbeam.   This puts me at square one for just about everything.  Got a life to reinvent.

All in all, its not so bad

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Stupid shit

Such an idiot.  I fell asleep at 'my' place.  Got woken up by a sobbing frantic 'Kayleen'.  Apparently I fell asleep as I scrutinized the computer there.

and then I had to listen to the standard soap opera drill

where were you

i was so worried

do you even know what you're doing?

can't you see you need help?

we're just trying to help you.

I clenched my fist as she wailed and phoned every damn person I was told that I know.   I ended up yelling at her, telling her everything.

I accused her of being in on whatever play this is, and demanded to know why she was doing this to me.

She cried.   Shit, I was feeling bad,  I mean everytime she does that I wonder if I'm just fucked up in the head.

I found myself apologizing, and admitted that it was hard readjusting to life.  She hugged me, and sobbed into my shoulder, as I tried to be strong.

Kayleen was so warm, and yet,  so wrong.


What the fuck's wrong with me that I have to throw suspicion on everything.

Maybe everything is meant to be like this.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Vuja De

The feeling you've done something you've never done before.

Or something like that.

I checked myself out of the hospital.  Tried to at least, turns out they're not too keen on people in my 'condition' doing so without a guardian.  I didn't even think that's legal, considering I'm well over 21.  So I snuck out.  Nothing to brag about, it was pretty easy.    I had a change of clothes with me I had asked 'those people' for, which fit me.  I snagged a bus over to what my driver's license says is my home, or at least was at the time of the picture.

I got off the bus, near the apartment complex.  Just a few moments before I realized I didn't have any keys to work with.  Well, why wouldn't I have keys available?   This is just proof how all this is just a cover up, right?  I walked around that place several times, looking for signs of life, of activity.  Of me, even.  But brick walls don't really give you a lot of clues to work with.

So I broke in, to a place I, at one time, 'lived'.  There's a little fenced-in yard that I got into, and the sliding door wasn't that hard to get past, but I did have to force it.  No one was in there, else I'd be writing this from the local jail. 

I don't think County has wi-fi.

The pad was pretty believable.  Don't get me wrong, it doesn't 'fit'.  It's not part of my puzzle, but it looks like a bachelor pad.

Even has some posters on the wall of Megan Fox.   Too bad she can't act.  Of course now I wonder if I have a 'type' or a 'crush' on anyone.  Even if I did, I guess, how can I know it's real?  Why the fuck am I the star of this shitty ass Truman Show?

Not really much to say about the place, I think I'm going to raid the fridge, scour the computer and GTFO before more shit happens.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Blank Wall, Blank Wall

This place is getting on my nerves.  More tests, always more tests.  EKGs and brain scans, hormone checks.

Had some newer version of a spinal tap that was a bitch.

"Mother" brought me a gamecube, said it was mine from back in the day, had a Sonic game in it. At least its something to do, other than watch boring ass television.

Shitty ass soap operas.  My LIFE is a soap opera.  I had to tell all these people just to give me a few days away from them.   I guess they understood, since they've let me be, for a bit.  Now I can finally think to myself without all the fake compassion and crocodile tears.   This isn't my life.

Well I'm going to find out what it is, that I'm missing.  I'm getting out of here.

The only question now is where to go?

Friday, September 9, 2011

Actor on a stage

I feel like an actor on a stage today.  Put before a group of people and told who they are, and expected to find emotions for them, yet knowing it is just pretending.   I was reintroduced to my 'family' a few days ago.  Four strangers all huddled close over me, smiling wide, leaning over me, staring.

My 'mother' introduced herself to me first.  Vicki is her name, and I fully intend to call her that, here at least.  Though I don't know these people, I *can* see the labored pain when I use a formal name like that, frankly I'd rather not have to deal with that.

She's 47, dark hair, starting to gray a little.  Seems nice enough, kept touching me,  seems to be in charge.

My 'father' is named Kenneth.  He's a tall balding man with a weird sense of humor, always laughing at the dumbest things, sometimes even at the drop of a hat.  Really informal.  I don't know what to make of him.

Apparently I have a brother too, who looks like some sort of hipster hippie.  Apparently he's done stuff for humanitarian aid for Cuba.  Good for him.  Talked way too damn much about feelings.

And because this sordid little lie wouldn't be complete without the conclusion of a 'perfect standard family',  whoever is directing this play, gave me a girlfriend.  Kayleen.  I had to ask her to stop touching me a few times, and it seemed to hurt her feelings.

I guess I feel a little bad about that.

Its just, the thing is, everything seems so scripted!  Asking me how I am, and what I remember, talking about 'the past'.   I keep telling them I don't know any 'past', not with them. 

They wouldn't even give me a straight answer as to what happened to me.   All I've been able to pry out of them, was that I live alone, and that somewhere around a month ago or so, I was discovered unconscious, and have been since.

No medical explanation  AT ALL.

And now I'm supposed to start seeing a shrink.

I don't want to answer any questions, it's pissing me off enough writing about it here, last thing I want to do is discuss my feelings to a bunch of damn strangers.

This hospital is shit, these people are shit, and I need out of here.

and they won't leave me alone.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Frustrated Amnesiac

I don't know who I am.

All I know is that there's something going on.  Maybe a conspiracy, maybe its paranoia.

I woke up from some sort of catatonic stupor sometime around a month ago, just snapped out of a coma.

And something is wrong.

Caden Chambers, it says on my driver's license, but that's not right.  I keep getting the feeling that something's been hidden from me.  I can't imagine what it is, but I started this blog, as a way to put down on paper, or rather electronically, my feelings, as I lay here in a hospital bed, trying to unscramble myself.  Figure out what happened.  Maybe its just shock, paranoia from whatever happened to me to put me here.

It just feels wrong.

God, how am I supposed to figure out who I am, when everyone feels like a bad actor in some gaslight production?  I just expect everyone at any moment to rip their faces off and be some sort of alien, revealing the grand deception to me.

Something is wrong with me.

But how do I find out what it is?