I never really bought into 'sides' in this conflict. Well I guess that's a lie, I knew that there was ONE side, and then everyone else. I knew that there was a supernatural force, fucking with people, and that some douches decided to join it. (cue me a months ago). Then there was everyone else, a vague, loose collection of people that comprised a pseudo-side. People just trying to live, and maintain. People that have very, very few ways to help one another aside from basic homelessness tips, and encouragement. Aside from occasionally meeting face-to-face, these people barely knew each other. The Runners, as it were.
I've teetered in this, yeah. I just wanted it over, I felt I wasn't strong-willed enough to survive. I looked at what happened the first time there was an issue, and I was horrified by what happened, and I was willing to do whatever it took to either forget about it, or embrace it, just so long as the trauma was gone. Admittedly, I've sort of gotten out of that funk now, after having that incident with Sufjan.
Now, I know I *just* rehashed this a post ago, so why am I discussing it again? Because I seem to have a bit of a follower now, some anonymous ass who is throwing out ill-defined threats. In short, your standard blog proxy. Sad, pathetic wretches, living in the shadow of a monster, doing what they think is the 'monster's bidding' and 'the greater evil' against Runner types they claim to hate, yet can't help talking about.
So I suppose I need to take this as a good sign, that I've made my choice, or rather that someone feels either threatened or infuriated by me not going all Dark Side, and has taken it upon them self to be my antagonist.
Its really funny, now that I think about it. Here I am, bandaged to fuck, wearing the same damn clothes I did when I left home, clothes of a dark mastermind of a sort...and I'm apparently a 'good guy' now. Hell, I almost feel normal, even after all my pills ran out months ago.
Its almost reassurance that I'm at least, in control of myself now, that I'm human, that I'm one of 'us'. I don't know if you can get what I'm saying right now, but in a sad sick way, it means I get to be alright, on a personal level. Because while I will always have supernal issues, its going to push me into the way I need to go, away from deviance.
I can live with that.
edit: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NONON O
NO NO NO NO NO WAY NO WAY HE IS DEAD HE IS DEAD DEAD DEAD DEAD DEADDEAD
HE IS DEAD HE CANT HURT ME HE IS DEAD DEAD DEAD DEAD HE DIED HE CANT HURT HE DIED CANT DIED CANT DIE HA HE HURTS NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER FUCK NEVER NEVER NO NO NO GOD NO NOT HIM NOT HIM I AM NOT HOT HIM I AM NOT HIT I AM NOT HIM NOT HIM I DONT HAVETOB E HIM I HAVE A CHOISE CHOICE I HAVE A CHOICE I AM NOT HIM I AM NOT REDLIGHT HE IS NOT MBE HE IS NOT ME