I feel like my life's just out of reach, but how do you grasp something you only see out of the corner of your eye?

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

The monkey on my back

So here I am again,  ciphering Sufjan's riddles as I kill time, as stress relief from my own life.  And yeah, it sucks, yeah it's shit, but I'm starting to come around.  I kept saying that there's just no way to get any better, and there's no truth to people being able to aid you, but now I think that's what is keeping me going.

So yeah, thanks guys.  Really.  Sufjan, Amy, Gargoyle, Elaine....I dunno about Moe and Ben so far, but whatevs, you're here, you're listening to my story, and I guess having a vent really does help.

Hell, I even dream about blogging now, its a refuge for me now, even if I don't comment much, or post daily, its a quiet place where things don't go wrong for me often.

Which brings me to Spencer.

Fucker's been quiet, and I guess that's a good thing.  I don't like thinking about what he could be doing, but I am trying, I'm really trying to not draw parallels between him and I.  Yes there are similarities, but we don't have to be the same.  We don't both have to have the bad ending, and yet I feel there needs to be confrontation between us if he goes bad.

Maybe he needs an outside hand,  maybe he needs an asskicking, maybe he just needs to talk.

Fuck me, I don't know.  I really don't.  It's asking for trouble to even consider hunting him down however the fuck I'd do that.  I guess what I really need to know is if he's gone, if he's really gone or not.  Granted, I'm not hardcore like him, didn't do fucking surgery on myself, though maybe my bandages count, but we've both been played in some form or another.

Maybe he needs a team to work with, a fresh one.  It could be one of those Batman things,  Batman needs a team to work with, although fuck all if I'm Robin,  let's get that shit straight.  If he doesn't, his life gets worse, he needs people to trust.

So maybe that's what ole boy needs.  His last team went to shit, with trauma and heartbreak.  Granted its probably not best to do anything right now to fix things, but its something I wonder about.

Heh, here I am trying to look out for someone else.
Aint that some shit?


  1. Trust me. You keep your ass away from Spencer. He's gone. I know it's hard. Believe me. I know. I love him.
    But he's gone.

    1. I get that, but I'm just saying, not long ago I thought I was gone too.

      Ehh Maybe I'd better sit this one out.

    2. Caden, I... The last time I saw him, I knew he was gone. I clung for a while because I was scared.
      The time before that...
      Lets just say things went on in that House that will never be spoken of again.

  2. I'm inclined to say listen to Elaine on this one... but I'm also inclined to say Don't listen to Elaine on this one. Funny how that works.

    I suppose she's had a bit more up close and personal experience in the matter but.. when shit hit the fan she was awful quick to write him off. Personally I'm not inclined to give up on a person so quickly. Despite any nasty things I may say to the contrary from time to time, I refuse to believe someone is a lost cause until they're dead. And Spencer isn't dead yet.

    1. Either way, not much good or ill I can do from where I am, right?

    2. Exactly... which means you can do whatever you want.

    3. Yes. Because holding out hope since October was giving up quickly. Absolutely.
      I could give you a timeline of shit I've seen, how long I've held on desperately, begging and pleading and fighting for him.

  3. You're more obsessed with Spencer than Writer is, and that's saying something. You started kind of late, or else maybe the guy would appreciate a fanclub.

    1. I feel like I should take offense to that. I talk about the guy, what 3 times so far? Ehh whatever. I can't help but see similarities.


    2. I'd say let the guy draw whatever similarities he needs to from the situation with Spencer. If they're what he needs to avoid a "bad ending", then yes. I support it wholeheartedly.