I feel like my life's just out of reach, but how do you grasp something you only see out of the corner of your eye?

Friday, September 9, 2011

Actor on a stage

I feel like an actor on a stage today.  Put before a group of people and told who they are, and expected to find emotions for them, yet knowing it is just pretending.   I was reintroduced to my 'family' a few days ago.  Four strangers all huddled close over me, smiling wide, leaning over me, staring.

My 'mother' introduced herself to me first.  Vicki is her name, and I fully intend to call her that, here at least.  Though I don't know these people, I *can* see the labored pain when I use a formal name like that, frankly I'd rather not have to deal with that.

She's 47, dark hair, starting to gray a little.  Seems nice enough, kept touching me,  seems to be in charge.

My 'father' is named Kenneth.  He's a tall balding man with a weird sense of humor, always laughing at the dumbest things, sometimes even at the drop of a hat.  Really informal.  I don't know what to make of him.

Apparently I have a brother too, who looks like some sort of hipster hippie.  Apparently he's done stuff for humanitarian aid for Cuba.  Good for him.  Talked way too damn much about feelings.

And because this sordid little lie wouldn't be complete without the conclusion of a 'perfect standard family',  whoever is directing this play, gave me a girlfriend.  Kayleen.  I had to ask her to stop touching me a few times, and it seemed to hurt her feelings.

I guess I feel a little bad about that.

Its just, the thing is, everything seems so scripted!  Asking me how I am, and what I remember, talking about 'the past'.   I keep telling them I don't know any 'past', not with them. 

They wouldn't even give me a straight answer as to what happened to me.   All I've been able to pry out of them, was that I live alone, and that somewhere around a month ago or so, I was discovered unconscious, and have been since.

No medical explanation  AT ALL.

And now I'm supposed to start seeing a shrink.

I don't want to answer any questions, it's pissing me off enough writing about it here, last thing I want to do is discuss my feelings to a bunch of damn strangers.

This hospital is shit, these people are shit, and I need out of here.

and they won't leave me alone.

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