I feel like my life's just out of reach, but how do you grasp something you only see out of the corner of your eye?

Tuesday, January 24, 2012


so this isn't quite working out like I thought it would.   I was sort of hoping it'd leave me alone, maybe even clue me in on shit, what it wants done, but its nothing fucking like that.

For starters, I am not certain it even understands me.  Tried talking to it, last time it caught up with me.  Took every ounce of my being not to run like hell, but I was tired, so tired of everything, I told Faceless that I gave up, that I was ready to serve.

Thing just stared at me.

I found myself having a one sided conversation as it just stood there, just looking at me.

"Well come on, I said I give up, I'm ready for whatever, I don't fucking care anymore."

"Do it...Come on, whatever it is, whatever commands or bullshit that happens, just do it already, I can't take this."


I even knelt symbolically.

"Just...just give me orders, make it stop...please."

Nothing.  Even called it Master, which is a bitter pill to swallow.

"Come on, make me one of your guys!  Make me an agent, a proxy, whatever its called, Just do it so I can be done with this life."


I resorted to trying to coax this thing into action, to do something!  Here I am, covered in mud, having a conversation with a monster, and I start talking to him like he's a dog!

"You wanna proxy me?  huh? Come on, you been following me, so you're interested right?  Wanna just do it?  Do it?"

I started screaming at it, goading him to just do whatever mindfuck it is, and get it over with.  By the time I opened my eyes, it was gone again.

I am starting to think I made a very big mistake, but  I just
I just can't do this shit.


no fuck that,


  1. That's a hell of a relief. Hang in there, Caden. You have a chance to choose your own life, don't throw that away.

  2. I can't beat this thing, I have no fucking clue how the hell you can say that.

  3. You can fucking fight. Plenty of us do, plenty of us are still standing here. So you can fight, and when you die it'll mean something, or you can serve and one day he'll get bored and off you on a whim.

    What's your choice? I know what mine is.

  4. Well, you've got to consider the fact that old red was a bit of a traitor by the end of his run. The Construct may not be particularly fond of the idea of bringing a redlight back into the fold...

    ...OR, he's well aware of the fact that you're so desperate to escape from your present situation and he's fucking with you. Because that's what it does.

    1. Doesn't change much unfortunately. I can't live like this. Even if R had his own goals, doesn't change that I was used. Doesn't change that I live a nightmare.

      I guess, I'm going to do whatever I have to, to get out of this.

  5. Oh, blah blah everything will be okay. It's never okay when it comes to Them. Want a real piece of advice? Stop trying to find salvation in a Fear that wants to see you suffer.

    He isn't known for his conversational skills, either.